i wrote something…

I stumbled upon an old blog I thought I had deleted. Turns out there are posts from 2010!! So that was exciting for me. Ha. Some of the most interesting posts to me have been the ones from May and June of 2012 which is when I first moved to California. I had some rather insightful things to say – which I am only comfortable patting myself on the back about because the truth is I have had to learn them all over again. Evidently it did not stick. Or rather, I need another coat. Or some such metaphor of the sort.

What I like most about the post I found that I’m about to share is that it’s really not anything I thought up at all, but just verses strung together from when I was apparently far more saturated in God’s word than I have been lately:

the valley of trouble shall become for me a door of hope. [hosea 2:15]
for He has split rocks in the wilderness, 
and given me drink as abundantly as from the deep. [psalm 78:15]
 
and so it shall be again. 
[2 corinthians 1:8-11]
 
He will remove from me the names of my idols. 
and by name i shall remember them no more. [hosea 2:17]
i will take with me words and return to the Lord. [hosea 14:2]
 
for in returning and rest i shall be saved. 
and in quietness and in trust shall be my strength. [isaiah 30:15]
for my God will not cast me off forever. [lamentations 3:31] 
but though He has given me the bread of adversity
and the water of affliction, 
yet my eyes shall look upon my Teacher. 
and my ears shall hear behind me, 
“this is the way, walk in it.” [isaiah 30:20-21]
 
He has loved me with an everlasting love; 
and He loves me still.
 
therefore, He will continue His faithfulness towards me, 
and my soul will wait. [jeremiah 31:3, psalm 33:20]
 
i will look upon Him and be radiant, 
and my face shall never be ashamed. [psalm 34:5]
 
for He is my Help and my Shield. 
my heart is glad in Him because i trust His holy Name. [psalm 33:20-21]
 
He will comfort and establish me in good hope through grace.
[2 thessalonians 2:16-17] 
and His steadfast love will be upon me – 
even as i hope in Him. [psalm 33:22]

In other news, I’m moving back to North Carolina which largely accounts for my nostalgia and reading through old posts. It feels weird to keep announcing it like anybody cares, but some people do. Ha. It also feels weird because I would rather be perfect. I’m not naturally inclined towards sharing process unless I feel like I’ve reached some sort of clean juncture where I can control what comes next or at least control everyone’s perception of what I am like when I’m in process. But you can’t be fully in a cocoon and also monitoring what happens outside of it. . . Or some such metaphor. . .

I have lots of incubating thoughts about my perfectionism. . . realizing how deep that ish runs. It’s so easy for me to slip back into a fiercely intense false sense of independence. If only I just could find this one piece of the puzzle, the last damn ‘3’ in this sudoku and I’ll finish before everyone else with fewer mistakes. I am very competitive and incredibly arrogant and most of the time unbothered by it. Which is finally starting to bother me. Because God is gracious and is opening my eyes to the offensiveness of my sin.
. . . & &

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