the life i lead · part two

Stressful story short, I had to move again. So there were two whole days last week where I was sure I was gonna be even more ‘homeless’ and scrambling to stay with friends. But God is gracious and good and all created everything is His. And now I have an even cheaper sublet with a big girl bed and my job is a 7 minute walk away. Hollapraize.

Nonetheless, I was forced to face the unglamorous reality of what it’s like to live in the Bay Area by myself with my income. Since last week, I have considered Phoenix and Options and moving back East. We’ll see. Either way, I need to get a hard travel case for my guitar, and should probably cop some AAA car insurance while I still have a CA address and fewer insurance obtaining obstacles…

So enyhoo, my soul is so exhausted. Moving to Walnut Creek from Richmond was definitely a hallelujah moment… followed by a million little reasons to be stressed out and Not At Rest. And that’s kind of been the pattern these last five years. It seems like the moment I get attached to a particular outcome that would represent the fulfillment of a deep desire, it turns out to not be the Thing; it turns out to turn a corner I didn’t see coming and then I feel deflated all over again. Usually because of all the details. All the little specific existences that seem to wink like clues across the vast black sky my eyes squint to see.

It happened over the summer and in September and November and March. Summer was a guy I went to college with who randomly came to mind and then I decided we were perfect for each other and we had a nice conversation that ended. Ha. September was a half-greek second grade teacher who’s in a band and building a record label. We shared a love for Santa Cruz, a desire to deeply influence and alter the music industry, and a few meals at Mexican restaurants. I met his parents five years to the day my mom died, so naturally I thought that meant something. And I suppose it did, but not what I wanted it to. November and December were a first round of coming together to fall apart. February and March were November’s take two.

At the end of December, I decided I’d had Enough of This. And I realized that I actually had just sort of been waiting to be rescued, or at least waiting for Life to Happen and determined to move to Southern California. It still seems like a risky and overwhelming good idea. But I’m not sure.

I feel as though I’ve been waiting on God. And still I am waiting. With far more angst than is required. [Because no angst is required.] On the one hand, living through a major life stressor damn near every month for 3-5 years is valid human reason to be deeply frustrated and lose pieces of your mind at a time. On the other hand, it’s evidence of God’s faithfulness, and opportunities to see the fruit He has grown in me, the ways I have been refined. I really do feel as though my spiritual muscles have been strengthened; I feel more mature as a person; and I feel like just curling up to quit. Or at the very least, disappearing from the grid.

Five Mays ago, I was a fresh and traumatized college graduate. I was homeless [couch surfing] and broke and unemployed. From the fetal position I finally understood what it meant that God would never leave us nor forsake us, however shitty and dysfunctional our lives may feel [or actually be]. That changed me.

Last week as I was plannicking and exhausting all my options, I got a particular perspective of my own pride and sinfulness, and the ways that God rescues us when we directly contribute to our own frustrations.

This week, I am emotional and encouraged and border-walking despair. I am asking questions I couldn’t possibly have answers to, and realizing how scrupulous and judicious I am because I am terrified of making that single mistake that will forever derail my life. I am confronting lies with the truth in God’s word, and I am Waiting still…

Five Mays later, I am across the continent – wondering Where I Am Going To Live and What To Do Next With My Life. It’s the same and it’s different. It’s better in the way that only five years of pruning and living up close to God’s faithfulness could produce.

And it’s been sunny and it’s warm and there’s wifi. Bless.

. . . & &

Shoutout to the homie, KL for helping me move twice in two months. MVP.

5 Replies to “the life i lead · part two”

  1. I am now convinced that you and I are the same person lol. Same feelings, same thoughts, and, um, plannicking? Could that not more perfectly describe what I have been doing these past couple month, and maybe all my life? I laughed out loud when I read that. Talking about desires that are not the thing, and being terrified to make a mistake to derail your life… preach girl! Thank you for being so honest and open, and unapologetically you. You truly reached me today. God is good.

    Like

    1. Oh Tammy. Thanks for letting me know this was helpful. Sometimes I debate about how much slash if to share this kind of post but it usually ends up encouraging someone else, which encourages me!! Plus it’s nice to know I’m not alone haha! And you’re right, God is SO good.

      May the Lord bless and keep you!! :]

      Liked by 1 person

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