I think it started with the robberies.
A few weeks ago, the affluent, self-important residential neighborhood I work in fell victim to a slew of armed robberies. Allegedly, one woman was robbed at machine gun point going from her house to her car, a few other people were randomly robbed on the same street, and a few local coffee house patrons fought off masked thieves who walked into the establishment in broad daylight wielding weapons and scooping laptops out of intellectual hands. So yah.
What that meant for me was, you know… stress.
I’m constantly on foot, and prefer to take residential streets over busy ones if possible, but I honestly have not traipsed down Benvenue since the first weekend of February… which just so happened to be the weekend I moved into a far better neighborhood a few towns over from the one I’d been living in with my sister. Hashtag irony.
Even though the robbers seemed to have packed up their loot and kept it moving, I’ve been constantly walking down College which is kind of annoying and definitely contributes to my city fatigue.
I just don’t understand people who let two year olds who literally just learned how to walk meander half supervised down busy sidewalks next to self-absorbed, multi-tasking motorists; people who run four friends wide and seem to have no concept of space and physics and the fact that single file lines and courtesy exist; people who anticipate that everyone on earth will find their enormous, beastly dog adorable and so assume that allowing said dog to take up the whole damn sidewalk and slobber all over everyone is a fun thing to do. Basically just people. There are too many of us here. Not in the Ebenezer Scrooge, decrease the surplus population!! kind of way; more like we can’t all live here and I volunteer to leave. Which I plan to do in June!! Woot. Hollapraize.
Since the crazy robberies, it seems like it’s just been one thing after a ridiculous nother… new shindigs and roomie rhythms, life logistics, kerosene scares, etc. All of which have led to me feeling slightly perturbed at God, hyper critical of myself, unlovely and just generally not Well-Adjusted. What I want is more simplicity, better crafted mochas, a benefactor, the glorious privilege of music and writing all day. What I need is more humility and a higher view of God. Which He graciously gives to me however reluctantly I come around to asking for it; however long it takes me to come to Him weary and receive His rest.
I’ve been feeling much like The Older Brother in the Prodigal Son story… like I’ve been working hard all my life and doing all the right things and other people get to have all the fun…after squandering the Father’s resources! And sinning! And making mistakes! I am for sure a log-eyed, speck-picking pharisee if ever there was one.
And in John 15 and Luke 12, Jesus echoes to me the sentiment of that parable – But if you remain in me and my words remain in you, you may ask for anything you want, and it will be granted!
When you produce much fruit, you are my true disciples. This brings great glory to my Father.
…It is your Father’s good pleasure to give you the Kingdom…
… Don’t be concerned about what to eat and what to drink. Don’t worry about such things. These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers all over the world, but your Father already knows your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and He will give you everything you need…
…tell God what you need and thank Him for all He has done*. Like $49 flights to and from Long Beach for Spring Break in the next few weeks… and finally figuring out why that payroll spreadsheet wouldn’t balance and having the honor of making ballet buns for tiny humans… and longer days… winter finally ending.
God is such a generous and artistic and loving Father. And I am naturally inclined towards and groomed for efficiency and responsibility and not taking up too much space. And trying to earn the good gifts He gives freely.
I’ve spent the last four years writing songs instead of prose, so I’m basically rusty and rambling now. There are a million more things to be said, and I can’t really think of a clean ending. And anyways, I refuse to end this post with the illusion that I’ve got something figured out. Cause that would be laughable. I greeted myself this morning in a terrible mood and am on my second coffee shop because the first one just wasn’t doing it for me. In the past two hours I have pumped myself full of sugar and caffeine which feels frustratingly inefficient and unglamorous and entirely human. The two things in life I am constantly trying to overcome . . .
And also I can’t find my aviators and am lowkey/highkey about to buy a new pair from Target on my way to BART. And also I have to leave right this second because a full day of Operations Management awaits me.
Thanks for reading, I hope you have a fabulous day.