I finally finished my advent song.

The view from my studio is beautiful and cold. San Francisco glitters in the winter light at 4:44 PM beneath a heap of clouds the color of too many crayons mixed. Small red leaves cling to branches on trees and flutter in the winter wind… seeming to just be barely hanging on, but having probably enough strength to last the season.

Like me.

Winter has always been terrible. Always as in ever since it was up to me to have notions about what I wanted it to be like. Ever since Carolina and my insulated Tretorn boots in the rain. Papers. Finals. Textbook buy backs. 

Long days at jobs I hate… or at best, tolerate. Long rides home from work on the train in the dark. 

This year has been difficult to live through, but only in concentrated contractions ~ deciding this time last year to walk away from someone I cared more about than anyone else in this world. Feeling frustrated with my job ~ again ~ in the spring. But then… a super fun summer… followed by a harrowing fall and a vitamin deficient December. I got rammed into by a motorized scooter on the Embarcadero in October. I had to bail on the student I was tutoring, knowing she would struggle without me. And in the course of four months, I’ve had whirlwind collisions with two different guys who thought I was Amazing and Delightful and Stunning…who planned spontaneous dates and elaborate day trips and declared intentional pursuits only to later realize they Weren’t Ready For A Relationship. 

So, so much rejection. Intense and damaging impact. And actual, unsugarcoated Joy. God is so good and his comfort is as whole as comfort comes. And the birds he created still soar across the gradated sky in pretty little patterns while piano music soothes my confounded soul. 

And she who has God still has nothing less than she who has God and everything else. I still believe He is kind and intentional. I still believe the best is yet to come. 

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2 Replies to “I finally finished my advent song.”

  1. Hey Bek. You are beautiful and bright–like the star you are. You weren’t being rejected… it’s just that roaches can’t stand the light and have to scurry away when it shines upon them 😉

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