this is my actual life.


so i’m turning twenty seven soon. it’s a thing that’s happening; and if every other age for the last four years hasn’t had it’s own crisis criteria, this year is more just a settled analysis of entering my late twenties. nearing the end of a decade and taking [even more] stock of things before my new life-year begins in which i hope to make a few cognitive lifestyle changes…

i’ve been marinating in a passage from Ecclesiastes that talks about how it’s not good to be too wise because it may keep us from enjoying the short and toilsome years God gives us under the sun. i’ve been considering that life is just hard. for everyone. period. some more than others, but everyone. and i’ve been noticing how often i introduce my work with a string of disclaimers.

but mostly i’ve been thinking about Jesus. and how earth is just a little while anyway. and how he who has God has nothing less than he who has God and everything else… phrases my mind hears over and over and over until one day, they click. they fall into places where idols once stood and i bask in their truth and their freedom. he who has God has nothing less than he who has God and everything else. and earth is just a little while, anyway.

for as long as i can remember, i have been fascinated with the concepts of Aging and Being Alive In Time. and it’s that weight of eternity in my heart that makes me impatient and makes waiting hard. it’s the fact that i age and live inside of time that has created so much angst in me in this season of Being Single. and as deeply as i have yearned and for all these many years… lately, i hardly give a damn. i still want it. i sometimes still think to myself, psh must be nice; still conjure up baby names; still let myself feel all the waves of associated emotions. but this right here is my actual life, and i have come to know such a sweet contentment.

these people i know and choose to live through moments with are my actual friends and my family. these experiences that sometimes feel surreal or entirely scripted are the sequences that make up Who I Am. this desk job i have five days of the week, these moments i freeze, and most notably, the ones that i don’t. when i’m praying over the kitchen sink with still unanswered questions; when my sister-in-law sends ridiculously adorable clips of the family bananas; when a peaceable general store owner three towns over asks if i’d like to be invited to their Patagonia screenings and holiday party; when the kitchen is clean and my carefully curated home goods drip dry; and when i wear boot socks in the rain. all the songs i’ve lived through and the depth of comfort they bring…

me, here, now. unmarried and childless. incredibly loved and fruitful and free. my story has already started and i don’t feel anymore like i am holding my breath. this is my actual life, and it is beautiful.

she who has God has nothing less than she who has God and everything else. 

· b


return unto thy rest, o my soul, for the Lord hath dealt bountifully with thee. Psalm 116:7

4 Replies to “this is my actual life.”

  1. okay so first things first: I caught up in your blog just now (1am NC time awake with a sick baby) and got all bummed out bc I thought you took away the “leave a comment option”. Just when I was about to settle for “liking” the posts I saw it, up there at the top, instead of the bottom. phew.

    This post is beautiful. Really. Your woods are just beautiful and you portray such a beautiful and wise, biblical woman. Proud to know you.

    Also, there will be a letter in the mail, hopefully tomorrow or Thursday. I haven’t forgotten…I think about it every day, it’s just a matter of finding a hot second…xoxox

    Like

    1. I’m so stoked for your letter!! Glad you didn’t forget about me. Haha. I hope C is feeling better xoxo ALSO thanks for the sweet comment, it means a lot to me :]

      Like

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