how to gain 16 pounds

A couple of Mondays ago I traipsed down to the pristine, clean Kaiser complex my new insurance affords me access to for a physical. It was quite the contrast to the homey Naturopathic office I haven’t been to in 2-3 years, but I’m so grateful to be covered by pretty incredible healthcare and have access to sterile, western medicine. Despite the wait and shade thrown at my Naturopathic folks, it was a fairly pleasant experience. I discovered that I am now “a little over 5’5” [shout out to Teresa & her network spinal analysis skills], and also that I’ve gained 16 pounds. Whomp.

I’d been feeling heavier and just kind of wonky for a while ~ like I was kind of stuffing into my clothes, but those things happen to us ladies from time to time on the regular. At any rate, it was nice to actually see the savage numbers on the scale [since I don’t own one] and resolve within myself to make some changes.

I’m thinking that my weight gain has happened within the past 6-8 months, and because I have gone through the process of overhauling my lifestyle before, I’m pretty sure I have identified the coterie of culprits. I’ve never been accompanied by the elusive ‘fast metabolism’ that allows some people the luxury to eat whatever they want in their youth; but giving up gluten and taking long walks led to me shedding about 30 pounds without even feeling like I was trying, so I think I got spoiled by that experience.

Oobladee. Life goes on.

Without further ado, here is my self-diagnosis factor list of weight gain contributors. Also known as How to Gain 16 Pounds:

  1. Immerse yourself in a chaotic work environment, and be sure work from 11am to 7pm all winter long. This will afford you added stress walking to and from public transportation in the black winter evenings only to go home and stuff your face with Nachos at 9pm.
  2. Completely forsake your ‘sleep hygiene’. Wake up whenever you feel like it and go to bed as long as it’s not technically the next day.
  3. Give up on your regimented pilates/walking commitment because after all, your neighborhood is a lil’ bit sketchy and you share a studio apartment with your sister. If you can’t have your high maintenance zen atmosphere for stretching and lengthening, what good is keeping up with it anyway??
  4. Bake 2 batches of nut butter cookies per week and eat them all.
  5. Over Indulge in Odwalla Smoothies. The orange colored ones are the best with their 41-55 grams of sugar per 15 oz bottle. Three smoothies a week should do it.
  6. Slowly replace your dark green veggies with…very little veggies at all. 
  7. Entertain denial and Reasons once you start to feel a lil’ bit pudgy and can no longer squeeze into designer jeans a size and a half too small when they’re on clearance for only $13. [It’s high time I stop mourning the loss of that one pair of Hudsons’…]

And there you have it, folks. I’ve kind of been stewing/obsessing over this since I saw those savage numbers, so I figured posting about it should once and for all clear out the cynicism and put me on the road to being gentle and forgiving towards myself. Life happens and my worth is not determined by my size. [And neither is yours!!]

Ironically, before my appointment, I had decided to cut out meat and embrace pescatarianism for the rest of the year. Hopefully that will assist with shedding all this extra sugar.

Mahi Mahi

~ b

7 Replies to “how to gain 16 pounds”

  1. Oh, I have so been there! (or getting out of there?) Baking large amounts of goodies for Thanksgiving, Christmas, birthdays, Valentine’s Day (and of course, National Chocolate Day) is my program for adding an extra 16-17ish pounds! So I am back on the healthier route and slowly, but surely, feeling oh so much better! 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Such an entertaining prescribed weight gain program! You make me laugh. 🙂 I know exactly what you mean about baking and eating it all! I need to find more ways to give away baked goods. Hang in there. You are absolutely right that we are not defined by our size!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I think you look amazing always, but you know I can fist pound you on making and eating entire batches of cookies (speaking of, there are some in my oven now). also those Odwalla smoothies are sub a tease, they look so healthy!

    Like

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